Hit Wit Parade 2: Clarkson through Coward
4 Jeremy Clarkson: “We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging. I want to drive around in a Terminator, not the heroine in an EM Forster novel.” Oh jesus. This man is not witty. He is one of the reasons why we shouldn’t complain if something is apparentely “political correctness gone mad,” because he is the somewhat dull alternative.
Well, let’s give him a chance (these quotations were brought to you by Channel Dave, the home of witty banter):
“Cool is just another way of saying ‘not very popular’. The Guardian is cool. Desks made out of zinc are cool. Rolf Harris, on the other hand, is warm.”
Um. Is that wit, or just a way of name-checking a newspaper not right-wing enough for him? I’m sure The Graun appreciated the shout-out anyway.
“On the seventh day God didn’t rest. He looked at what he had created and thought: ‘Oh dammit, England’s gone all wrong. The sea is washing silt off the coastlines in the north and depositing them in an ugly bulbous lump near Kent’. Today we call this unholy place East Anglia.”
Wh- huh? Sorry, I fell asleep somewhere around “silt.”
“Sure it’s quiet, for a diesel. But that’s like being well-behaved… for a murderer.”
I might almost have liked this if I gave a shit about broom-brooms.
Okay. Judge for yourself:
Okay, that was mean. Here he is, talking to wimmin about cars:
5 Sir Winston Churchill: “I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Um, okay. Is that why George Clooney had a pot-bellied one? Let’s see what else is on offer:
“I hate Indians. They are a beastly people with a beastly religion. ” + “One may dislike Hitler’s system and yet admire his patriotic achievement. If our country were defeated, I hope we should find a champion as indomitable to restore our courage and lead us back to our place among the nations.” + “‘Keep England White’ is a good slogan.”
Um. Ha. Ha?
Lady Astor to Churchill “Winston, if you were my husband I would flavour your coffee with poison.”
Churchill: “Madam, if I were your husband, I should drink it.”Bessie Braddock to Churchill “Sir, you are drunk”
Churchill: “Madam, you are ugly; at least tomorrow morning I shall be sober.”
Basically, at his best when insulting women. Let’s move swiftly on…
6 Paul Merton: “My school days were the happiest of my life: which should give you some indication of the misery I’ve endured over the past twenty five years.”
Awww.
“On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn’t he said, ‘Do you mind if I mug you here?’”
Hee hee.
When on HIGNFY: “I think the quiz element of this show is overrated.”
[on the epidemic of tv celebrity shows]
They’re doing a new show: Celebrity Corpse, where you dig up someone after five years and try to guess who they were.
He is deserving of being higher on t’list.
7 Noel Coward: “Wit ought to be a glorious treat like caviar. Never spread it about like marmalade.”
Should have been MUCH higher.
“I am not a heavy drinker. I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop.“
Haw haw.
“I have always paid income tax. I object only when it reaches a stage when I am threatened with having nothing left for my old age - which is due to start next Tuesday or Wednesday.”
“Time has convinced me of one thing: Television is for appearing on - not for looking at.”
