To strive, to seek, to find…

Johnson - or to give him his full name, Boris LOL!!!! what a legernd!! Johnson!!! - is a TV character loved by millions for his cheeky, bumbling persona. Unlike the cartoon MP, he’s magnetically prone to scandal, but this somehow only makes him more adorable each time. Tee hee! Boris has had an affair! Arf! Now he’s offended the whole of Liverpool! Crumbs! He used the word “picaninnies”! Yuk yuk! He’s been caught on tape agreeing to give the address of a reporter to a friend who wants him beaten up! Ho ho! Look at his funny blond hair! HA HA BORIS LOL!!!! WHAT A LEGERND!!!!!!

Thank you Mr Brooker.

And why? Because he is a cartoon character. Voting him in would be quite a lot like voting in a giant haystack that’s had elocution lessons.

Beej has promised to “beef up” health services in London. The last time someone said that, P.G. Wodehouse gasped and said, “How quaint! I really must put that in one of my books.” Boz has also threatened to “fight for a lasting legacy for London; the after-effects of the Olympics must be felt for decades.” He thinks “Congestion has now risen above pre-Congestion Charge levels.” Do you need more?! Okay then…

Also: other stuff. Judge for yourself.